How does one engage with Beat Them Brewing Company? We recommend that you don’t. But if you insist, it is within your best interests to lawyer up. Here are some inquiries we’ve received and anticipate. Also, if you absolutely must, send emails to email@example.com or call us at 911.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR THOSE WHO WISH TO JOIN THE CLASS-ACTION LAWSUIT AGAINST BEAT THEM BREWING CO.
A great man once said, “The best ideas are stolen.” And so sums up the Beat Them Brewing Co. marketing philosophy. Many of our customers have wondered, “Do you purposely seek to violate copyrights? Are you thumbing your collective nose at the legal system? Do you even know that you’re ripping off major corporations and the estates of famous dead folks?” The answer to all these questions is an unequivocal “No comment.” But for those “major corporations” who are not satisfied with that response, we offer this short questionnaire to get you started on the road to justice.
- Do you provide legal representation for any of the following organizations: The New Jersey Turnpike Commission; Walt Disney World; the estates of E.B. White, A.A. Milne or James Brown, the Godfather of Soul; descendants of Blackbeard the Pirate; the bands Foreigner or Pink Floyd or their management; The Hershey Company; the Woodstock Music & Art Fair; The United States Playing Card Company; the Edmonton Oilers ice hockey club; the Godfather movie franchise; God? (Y/N)
- Do you support the entrepreneurial spirit of small businessmen who may operate a “boutique brewery” and borrow liberally from pop culture to promote their products and, ultimately, strive to live the American Dream, like any patriotic, God-fearing American might do? (Y/N)
- If not, how much, exactly, are you looking for? a) Less than $100; b) More than $100.
- If you answered b) to the previous question, can we talk you down to less than $100?
- If we give you a beer, will that make this all go away? (Y/N)
- If you answered “N” to the previous question, what the heck is wrong with you, man?! a) I’m just doing what I’m told; b) I’m more of a wine cooler guy; c) Make it a 6-pack, and I’ll look the other way; d) I have a gluten intolerance.
- For those lawyers who still insist on taking legal action against our harmless little brewery, please state your complaint in the space provided: _____.
Another Disappointed Potential Customer Reaches Out to Beat Them Brewing Co.
An Unsolicited Endorsement from Esteemed Tastemaker Heather Naumovitz
Some Recent Email and Twitter Correspondence
Thanks for you votes! Here are the results of the first ever Beat Them Brewing Co. survey. Got a suggestion for a new survey? Keep it to yourself. NO!!! Just kidding! Send your questions and comments to firstname.lastname@example.org
What are your favorite Beat Them beers?
1. 9 Day IPA – 6 votes
1. Mike’s Unfiltered Ale – 6
3. 50 IPA – 3
4. Black Rage Stout – 2
4. Queen Andrea’s Revenge – 2
6. 10 Day IPA – 1
6. Black Rage Bacon Brew – 1
6. LAST CALL! – 1
What styles of beer would you like Beat Them to brew in the future?
1. Pale Ale – 5 votes
2. Russian Imperial Stout – 4
3. Pumpkin Beer – 3
3. English Bitter – 3
5. Light Pilsner – 2
6. Wheat Beer – 1
6. Fruit Beer – 1
Got a question for us? Send an e-mail to email@example.com … or just yell it out the window.